Q. We raised our daughter in the church. She was involved in almost everything—Sabbath School, Pathfinders, youth group, church school, community service, summer camp, camp meeting—and our home was intentionally spiritual. We prayed together, had family worship, and went to church regularly. Now she is in her mid-20s and has completely walked away from any interest in spiritual matters. She isn’t hostile, just indifferent. We feel as though we have failed. What do we do?
A: First, let us say this plainly: You have not failed. The ache you carry is real, and it speaks of the depth of your love—for your daughter and for God. But pain is not the same as failure, and her present silence does not write the final chapter of her story. What you are experiencing is one of the most common and most heartbreaking realities of Christian parenting. And you are far from being alone.
The Parable Speaks to Your Living Room
Jesus told a story in Luke 15:11-32 that seems written for this very moment. A father had two sons. The younger one asked for his inheritance early—essentially saying, I wish you were already dead—and left for a distant land where he squandered everything. The father did not chase him. He did not cut off the relationship in anger, nor did he pretend there was no pain. He simply watched, waited, and kept looking toward the horizon.
Notice what Scripture says about the moment of the son’s return: “But when he was still a great way off, his father saw him and had compassion, and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him” (Luke 15:20). The father saw him “a great way off”—which tells us one important thing. He had been watching. He had never stopped looking.
This is your posture as parents right now. Not pursuit that smothers. Not silence that distances. But watchful, patient, compassionate presence. The father in the parable did not sprint after his son into the far country, arguing theology at every turn. He held open the door of home—and that open door is what made return possible.
What Attachment Theory Tells Us
The psychological research on attachment, first developed by John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth, helps us understand something critical: The most powerful thing a parent can offer a child at any age is a secure base—a relationship characterized by warmth, reliability, and unconditional availability. Securely attached adult children are far more likely to maintain or return to the values of their family of origin, even after periods of departure.
Young adults routinely distance themselves from childhood frameworks, including religious ones, as part of forming an autonomous self.
This matters enormously for you right now. Your daughter’s spiritual indifference is not necessarily a rejection of you—it may be a developmental renegotiation of identity. Young adults routinely distance themselves from childhood frameworks, including religious ones, as part of forming an autonomous self. This is normal human development, not spiritual catastrophe. You must carefully guard against allowing her spiritual journey to destabilize your attachment to her as a person. If she senses that your love for her is contingent on her religious participation, she will not feel safe enough to return—even when she is ready.
What Family Systems Theory Adds
Family systems theory, rooted in the work of Murray Bowen, teaches that families function as emotional units. Every member’s behavior affects and is affected by every other member. When a child leaves the faith, parents often respond with anxiety—and that anxiety, however understandable, can manifest as pressure, guilt-laden conversations, or subtle withdrawal of emotional warmth. These responses are counterproductive. They turn the relational space between parent and child into a battleground rather than a sanctuary.
Bowen’s concept of differentiation is particularly helpful here. A well-differentiated parent can remain emotionally connected to their child while not being emotionally fused with their child’s choices. In other words, you can love her deeply without collapsing under the weight of her decisions, and without managing your own anxiety by trying to manage her. Your emotional health as parents is not a luxury—it is a strategic investment in your relationship with your daughter.
What to Do Right Now
Keep the relationship primary. Pursue her as your daughter—not as a spiritual project. Call her, have dinner together, celebrate her milestones, show up at the edges of her life with no agenda other than love. The prodigal’s father did not renegotiate the terms of sonship. He threw a party. Let your daughter know, through consistent action, that the door of your home and your heart is always open.
Resist the temptation to use every conversation as an opportunity to “witness.” Adults who feel spiritually pressured by family members tend to harden, not soften. Ask thoughtful questions about her life, her work, her friendships, her dreams. Be genuinely curious about who she is becoming. That curiosity is itself a form of grace.
Continue to live your faith authentically and joyfully in her presence—not performatively, but genuinely. Let her see that your relationship with God brings you peace, not anxiety. Let her witness a faith that looks beautiful and livable, not burdensome and brittle. She watched you closely as a child. She is still watching.
Entrust Her to God
Finally, remember that your daughter was God’s before she was yours. You were stewards of her spiritual formation, not its source. The Holy Spirit is not limited by what you did or did not do. He is active in her life even now, in ways you cannot see. Pray faithfully, trust deeply, and keep the porch light on. The father in the parable watched the horizon daily. One day he saw his son coming home.
You will see your daughter again, not just in person, but in faith. Hold on.
You are in our prayers.
AUTHORS
Willie Oliver, PhD, CFLE, an ordained minister, pastoral counselor, family sociologist, and certified family life educator, is director of the Department of Family Ministries at the world headquarters of the Seventh-day Adventist Church
Elaine Oliver, PhD, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor, CFLE, a licensed clinical professional counselor, counseling psychologist, educational psychologist and certified family life educator, is associate director for the Department of Family Ministries at the world headquarters of the Seventh-day Adventist Church.
The original version of this story was published on Adventist Review on July 2026.