Q. My spouse and I haven’t been physically intimate for a long time, and it’s starting to affect our connection and faith. What are the most common causes of sexless marriages, and how can couples like us begin addressing them in healthy biblically faithful ways?
A: You’re not alone in this. Research shows that 15-20 percent of marriages are “sexless” (fewer than 10 times per year), and many more go through extended dry seasons. The fact that you’re naming this struggle takes real courage—and that honesty is where healing begins.
What the Bible Says About This
God designed sexual intimacy as a genuine gift within marriage—not just for having children, but for pleasure, bonding, and deep connection. Paul is refreshingly direct in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5: Neither spouse should withhold from the other except by mutual agreement for a season of prayer and fasting, and even then, only briefly. This isn’t about obligation—it’s about God’s recognition that physical intimacy is a core dimension of covenant marriage.
The Song of Solomon celebrates physical desire with poetic richness. Proverbs 5:18, 19, encourages husbands to “rejoice with the wife of your youth,” and “always be enraptured with her love.” Hebrews 13:4 calls the marriage bed honorable and undefiled. And in Ephesians 5:31, 32, Paul points to sexual union as the physical expression of the mysterious “one flesh” reality of marriage.
When this dimension fades, the loss goes deeper than physical pleasure. Couples lose a unique language of vulnerability, comfort, and spiritual connection—one that mirrors Christ’s intimate relationship with the church.
Why This Happens: It’s Usually Complicated
Sexual struggles in marriage rarely have a single cause. Here are the most common contributing factors:
Medical and physical issues are more common than people realize. Hormonal shifts during pregnancy, postpartum, perimenopause, or andropause can dramatically affect desire. Chronic illness, pain conditions, medication side effects (especially antidepressants and blood pressure medications), erectile dysfunction, and untreated sleep disorders all create real barriers. Many couples suffer through what are treatable conditions simply because embarrassment keeps them from talking honestly with their doctor.
Psychological factors matter just as much. Depression and anxiety often kill libido before they affect other areas of life. Unresolved trauma—including past sexual abuse—can create subconscious associations between intimacy and danger. Body image struggles, performance anxiety, and pornography use (which rewires the brain’s reward pathways) all take a serious toll. And in our always-on culture, sheer exhaustion leaves many couples too depleted to be present with each other.
Sexual intimacy isn’t the only measure of a healthy marriage, but its absence is a signal worth taking seriously.
Relational dynamics may be the most overlooked piece. John Gottman’s research is clear: Physical intimacy thrives in marriages built on friendship, admiration, and emotional connection. When chronic criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling take root—what Gottman calls the “Four Horsemen”—physical closeness becomes nearly impossible. Unresolved resentment builds invisible walls in the bedroom.
Sociologist Pepper Schwartz identifies “desire discrepancy”—in which partners have significantly different libidos—as a common struggle. Without compassionate negotiation, one spouse feels perpetually rejected while the other feels constantly pressured.
Life stage pressures also compound things. Young parents juggling careers and exhausted by child-rearing often find intimacy squeezed out by sheer logistics. Empty-nesters sometimes discover they’ve let the habits and vulnerability that once sustained their physical connection quietly erode.
Practical Steps Forward
Start with an honest, gentle conversation. Proverbs 18:13 warns against answering before truly listening. Create a safe space to share your feelings, fears, and desires without blame. “I miss feeling close to you” lands very differently than “You never want me anymore.”
Get professional help—without shame. Consulting a Christian sex therapist or counselor is wisdom, not weakness—just as seeing a doctor for a physical condition is wisdom, not failure. Proverbs 15:22 reminds us that plans succeed with many advisors. A medical evaluation may also uncover treatable physical causes that have been quietly driving the problem.
Rebuild emotional intimacy first. Jesus spoke about love as truly knowing and being known (John 10:14). Start scheduling regular connection time—walks, meaningful conversation, shared activities—to rebuild friendship. Physical intimacy often follows naturally when emotional safety is restored.
Practice forgiveness and extend grace. Colossians 3:13 calls us to bear with one another and forgive as Christ forgave us. Unexpressed hurt is one of intimacy’s greatest enemies. Genuine forgiveness—offered and received—creates space for reconnection.
Consider redefining intimacy for a season. Nonsexual physical affection—cuddling, massage, holding hands—can help rebuild comfort with touch without the weight of performance expectations. This “sensate focus” approach often reignites desire more naturally than pressure ever could.
Pray together about this. Ephesians 3:20 promises that God can do “exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think.” Invite the Holy Spirit into this vulnerable area of your marriage. Your willingness to address this honestly is itself an act of faith—a belief that God cares about every dimension of the life you share together.
Sexual intimacy isn’t the only measure of a healthy marriage, but its absence is a signal worth taking seriously. With patience, the right support, and a shared commmitment to God’s design, restoration is genuinely possible. Your marriage is worth the courageous work ahead—and we are praying for you both as you begin this journey of rediscovery, trusting that with God, nothing is impossible (Luke 1:37).
AUTHORS
Willie Oliver, PhD, CFLE, an ordained minister, pastoral counselor, family sociologist, and certified family life educator, is director of the Department of Family Ministries at the world headquarters of the Seventh-day Adventist Church
Elaine Oliver, PhD, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor, CFLE, a licensed clinical professional counselor, counseling psychologist, educational psychologist and certified family life educator, is associate director for the Department of Family Ministries at the world headquarters of the Seventh-day Adventist Church.
The original version of this story was published on Adventist Review on June 2026.